I’m currently working my way through the book, Done with the Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children, by Sheri McGregor, MA and sharing my thoughts and responses as posts on this blog.
In the first part of the latest section I read in the book, McGregor suggests that parents experiencing estrangement from adult children shouldn’t be hasty in making major life decisions. I believe this is much like the counsel that’s often offered after someone experiences the death of a loved one: Don’t make major changes like quitting a job, or moving, or beginning a new relationship, or getting a new pet. Anything that would have long reaching repercussions should be delayed until the initial shock and pain dissipate.
McGregor says that in the early weeks following an estrangement, many parents — if they sought professional counseling — would be quickly diagnosed with Acute Stress Disorder (ASD). ASD occurs in the first weeks following a traumatic event or major loss. Being suddenly estranged from an adult child (or children) definitely constitutes a personal trauma and loss.
As I thought about my own early days following the estrangement, I experienced the following ASD symptoms:
- numbed, dazed, detached
- haunting memories
- vivid dreams
- difficulty concentrating
- avoiding reminders of my children (people, places, photos, etc.)
- uncontrollable crying
- sleep difficulties
During the first few weeks, whenever I attempted telling someone what was happening with my children, I would experience an anxiety attack. My heart would race, I would start shaking visibly, I would stutter severely (if I could get words out at all), and I would feel like I couldn’t breathe. Writing it down doesn’t sound so bad, but what I experienced was truly debilitating. It was almost like I’d seize up into a shaking, quivering, crying, stuttering, gasping ball of grief and shock.
It was awful. Truly awful.
McGregor also states that in the aftermath of a trauma people tend to do one of two things. They reach out to others for support, or they retreat off by themselves. She compared the people who retreat to someone with a bad burn who would avoid others to avoid being jostled and causing the pain to worsen. She said neither reaction is right or wrong. Both reactions are normal and understandable. Sometimes a person may switch back and forth between the two reactions.
I did both. I reached out to people (my counselor, my pastor, a good friend), but I also retreated into my home where I could cry and shake and emote without fear or embarrassment. I definitely felt as if my pain could be intensified by the jostling of well meaning people and their often unhelpful and unintentionally hurtful comments or reactions.
And the fact that the initial weeks of my estrangement from my children happened at the beginning of the holiday season didn’t help. Acute Stress Disorder and the holidays don’t mix well, I discovered. Probably had a lot to do with why I ended up in the hospital on Suicide Watch over New Year’s.