“There is no more transformative experience in human life than trauma or tragic loss. Nothing can hurt us, scar us or heal us more, and nothing brings us more valuable growth lessons. The gift of trauma changes us permanently and profoundly. It may change us physically due to illness or injury, it may annihilate our sense of security and status quo, and it may rob us of relationships, habits and beliefs that made the world safe and logical to us.” — From GrievingD
Robbed of relationships. Robbed of all that made my world safe and logical. Yes. To all of it.
Estrangement may not be a physical death, but it is death, none-the-less. It’s the death of a relationship. The death of family. The death of dreams. The death of security and comfort in old age. The death of purpose and meaning. The death of hope.
Estrangement is traumatic.
Estrangement is a tragic loss.
Estrangement is the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced.
And I’ve experienced everything from the death of a loved one, the loss of a spouse, sexual abuse, life-threatening illness (the list is much longer than this) — and I can honestly say that nothing I’ve experienced compares with the pain of this complete estrangement from all three of my adult children.
This is loss like I never knew was possible. Pain like I never imagined. Emptiness and hopelessness beyond compare.
I’m already not the person I was before this happened, and it’s only been six months. I’m less trusting. More fearful. More tearful. Purposeless. Who will I be in six years? Or twenty? How will I go on day after day without the three people I love the most? The three people I’d given my life and love to for their entire lives?
What do I do with all the feelings when I remember each of those tiny newborn babies I held in my arms? So tender. So trusting. So perfect. The cause of my greatest joys. And now those same sweet babies are the cause of my greatest heartache.
I don’t even know how to get my mind around this.