So I started this blog hoping it would give me a healing place to share estrangement-related stories, poems, etc. I thought it would be a positive step and give me an outlet for my on-going grief.
I may have been wrong.
When publishing the letter to my oldest daughter on her birthday (that I never sent), I reread it a couple of times to make sure the formatting was okay, basic editing things. But each time I reread it, I got more and more depressed. I cried so much, my eyes ached. (I didn’t realize that could even happen.)
Then I published the post with the photographs my youngest had taken on our graduation cruise. And after I looked back through the photos, I cried and cried and cried.
All the grief just kept on building up to the point where over the weekend I thought seriously about ending my life. The only way I managed to get through the difficult night was to drink until I basically passed out. With the medications I take (I have a number of health issues), any alcohol consumption is potentially dangerous. And in enough quantity, possibly life threatening.
When I was fading out into sleep that night, I didn’t care if I woke up or not. When I opened my eyes the next morning, I was disappointed to be waking up and still alive. This wasn’t a full-on suicide attempt, but it was definitely a suicidal action.
That said, it may not be a good idea for me to keep this blog, after all. I think this is a long painful journey I may need to take without sharing it. When I think too hard about what I’ve lost, how much I love and miss my kids, and how bleak my future is without them, it can send me into a spiral that leads to the strong desire to just end it all.
To give a little back story, I’d spent the better part of a week in the hospital on suicide watch at the end of December, first part of January. The holidays were so depressing and horrible. Each day was agony. Agony is almost too mild of a word for what I experienced. I’d never been distraught to that degree in my entire life. I’d hoped once Christmas was over, I’d start feeling better, but instead, the magnitude of it all crashed in on me, I was so overwhelmed with grief and despair that I checked myself into a place where I knew they could keep me safe.
I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day.
So unless I come across something I can share that I think won’t be triggering, I think I’m not going to update this blog much.
By the way, I’m doing much better now and I have a safety plan in place in case I get to that horrible place again. I’m also in twice-a-week counseling to deal with the grief so don’t worry about me. I’ll be all right, and I’m taking the needed steps to ensure I remain all right.
Thank you for visiting my blog, but I think it’s going to be pretty quiet here for a while to prevent me from triggering myself. Yes, it’s possible to trigger yourself. As I found out the hard way this week.
All my best to you and yours,
If you’re dealing with estrangement from your own adult children, I highly recommend the website of Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist who specializes in family estrangement issues. He has helpful information, forums for estranged parents to support each other, and weekly podcasts and Q&A sessions.
Doctor Coleman is also the author of the book, When Parents Hurt, which I found relatively helpful, although much of it didn’t apply directly to my personal situation.